grow with children

പ്രശ്നം അച്ഛനാണ്

2011-02-26T14:43:00.000+05:30

പ്രശ്നം അച്ഛനാണ്
പ്രിയദര്‍ശന്‍

സത്യത്തില്‍ കരയേണ്ട കാര്യമില്ല. പക്ഷേ, അന്നുരാത്രി വീട്ടില്‍ വല്ലാതെ ഒറ്റപ്പെട്ടതായി തോന്നി. കണ്ണ് നിറയുകയും രാത്രി ഉറങ്ങാതെ തിരിഞ്ഞും മറിഞ്ഞും ചെയ്ത്. അച്ഛന്‍ എന്നെയോര്‍ത്ത് എത്രയേറെ സങ്കടപ്പെട്ടിട്ടുണ്ടാവും എന്ന് അന്ന് മനസ്സിലായി.

മകള്‍ പ്ലസ് ടുവിന് ശേഷം അമേരിക്കയില്‍ പഠിക്കാന്‍ പോയ ദിവസമായിരുന്നു അത്. ഭാര്യ ലിസിയും കൂടെപ്പോയിട്ടുണ്ട്. യാത്ര പറയുമ്പോഴൊന്നും വലിയ പ്രയാസം തോന്നിയില്ല. പക്ഷേ ഇരുട്ടുന്തോറും വല്ലാത്തൊരു വിങ്ങല്‍ കൂടിക്കൂടി വന്നു. പ്ലസ് ട കഴിഞ്ഞ കുട്ടി അറിയാത്ത ദേശത്ത് പരിചയമില്ലാത്തവരുടെ കൂടെ ഒറ്റയ്ക്ക് നാലുവര്‍ഷം താമസിക്കാന്‍ പോവുകയാണ്. ഹോസ്റ്റലിലെ ഒരു കൊച്ചുമുറിയിലെ ബങ്കുബെഡായിരിക്കും ഇനി അവളുടെ ലോകം. മൈനസ് 20 ഡിഗ്രി വരെ താഴുന്ന തണുപ്പും പിന്നീട് ചൂടും അവളെ കാത്തുനില്‍ക്കും. രണ്ടുതവണ കൂടുതല്‍ തുമ്മിയാല്‍ ലിസി പുറകെ നടന്ന്‌ അവളെ ആശ്വസിപ്പിക്കുമായിരുന്നു. ബ്രഡും ഓംലറ്റും മാത്രം ഉണ്ടാക്കാന്‍ അറിയാവുന്നൊരു കുട്ടി. അലക്കിത്തേച്ച ഉടുപ്പുകള്‍ അലമാരയില്‍ നിന്ന് എടുത്തണിഞ്ഞാണ് ശീലം. ഇനി പാചകവും ഭക്ഷണവും വസ്ത്രമലക്കും എല്ലാം തനിയെ ചെയ്യണം.

എന്റെ മകന്‍റെ ഏറ്റവും വലിയ സുഹൃത്താവാന്‍ ഞാന്‍ ശ്രമിച്ചിരുന്നു. എനിക്ക് ക്രിക്കറ്റ് ലഹരിയാണ്. അവന് ഫുട്ബോളും. അവനോടു സംസാരിച്ചിരിക്കാന്‍ വേണ്ടി മാത്രം ഞാന്‍ ഫുട്ബോള്‍ കളിയിലെ വാര്‍ത്തകളും മത്സരങ്ങളും ശ്രദ്ധിച്ചു. പക്ഷേ കുറച്ചുകാലം കഴിഞ്ഞപ്പോള്‍ തോന്നി അവനോടു സംസാരിക്കാന്‍ വേണ്ടി ഫുട്ബോള്‍ പഠിച്ച ഒരു മണ്ടനായാണ് അവന്‍ അച്ഛനെ കാണുന്നതെന്ന്. അവന്റെ താല്‍പ്പര്യം അപ്പോഴേയ്ക്കും പുതിയ മേച്ചില്‍പ്പുറങ്ങള്‍ തേടിപ്പോയിരുന്നു.

തലമുറകളുടെ വ്യത്യാസം വളരെ വലുതുതന്നെയാണ്. മക്കള്‍ എന്നേ സുഹൃത്തായി ആലോചിച്ചിട്ട് പോലുമില്ല. അവര്‍ക്ക് വേണ്ടത് ഒരച്ഛനെ മാത്രമാണ്. അവരുടെ വഴിമുടക്കാതെ കൂടെ നടക്കുന്നോരാളെ. എനിക്കവരെക്കുറിച്ചു സ്വപ്നങ്ങളുണ്ടാവാം. പക്ഷേ അത് എന്‍റെ മാത്രം സ്വപ്നങ്ങളാണ്.

മകനെ വക്കീലാക്കാന്‍ എന്‍റെ അച്ഛന്‍ മോഹിച്ചു. ഒരുറപ്പുമില്ലാത്ത സിനിമയുടെ ലോകത്തേയ്ക്ക് ഞാന്‍ പോവുമ്പോള്‍ ഒരക്ഷരം എതിര്‍പ്പ് പറഞ്ഞില്ല. പക്ഷേ എത്രത്തോളം വേദനിച്ചിട്ടുണ്ടാവുമെന്ന് ഇപ്പോള്‍ അറിയുന്നു. ഞാന്‍ ചെന്നൈയിലെ ചെറിയ ലോഡ്ജുകളില്‍ തറയില്‍ പായ വിരിച്ചു കിടക്കുന്നതറിഞ്ഞ് അച്ഛന്‍റെ നെഞ്ചുപൊള്ളിയിരിക്കണം. പക്ഷേ എന്‍റെ സ്വപ്നത്തിനുവേണ്ടി അച്ഛന്‍ എല്ലാം സഹിച്ചു.

എന്‍റെ കൂടെ എത്രയോ പെണ്‍കുട്ടികള്‍ ജോലി ചെയ്യുന്നുണ്ട്. അവരില്‍ പലരുടെയും പ്രശ്നം അവരുടെ അച്ഛനാണ്. സ്വപ്നങ്ങള്‍ തകര്‍ത്തുകളഞ്ഞ അച്ഛന്മാരാണ് അവരുടെ ഏറ്റവും വലിയ ശത്രു. ജോലി ചെയ്യുന്നതും മദ്യപിക്കുന്നതും സിഗരറ്റ് വലിക്കുന്നതും എല്ലാം അച്ഛനെ തോല്‍പ്പിക്കാന്‍ വേണ്ടിയാണ്. മെഡിക്കല്‍ കോളേജിലെ പഠനത്തിനിടയില്‍പ്പോലും സിനിമയിലേക്ക് ഓടിവന്ന കുട്ടികളുണ്ട്. അവരുടെ മനസ്സില്‍ അച്ഛനില്ലാതായിരിക്കുന്നു. ഉപേക്ഷിച്ച് ഒളിച്ചോടിപ്പോയ അമ്മയോടുപോലും ഒരിറ്റുവാത്സല്യം മിക്കവരിലും ബാക്കിയുണ്ട്.

പ്ലസ് ടു കഴിയുന്നതുവരെ ഇന്‍റര്‍നെറ്റ് ഉപയോഗിക്കുന്നത് വിലക്കിയ അച്ഛനെക്കുറിച്ച് ഒരുകുട്ടി എന്നോട് ചോദിച്ചു: `ഇത്രയേറെ എന്നെ വിശ്വാസമില്ലാത്ത ഒരാളുടെ കൂടെ താമസിക്കുന്നത് പോലും എനിക്കാലോചിക്കാനാവുന്നില്ല. ഞാന്‍ അശ്ലീലസൈറ്റുകള്‍ കാണുമെന്ന്‌ അച്ഛന്‍ ഭയക്കുന്നു. ഈ അച്ഛന്‍റെ മകള്‍ കാണില്ലെന്ന വിശ്വാസമല്ലേ ആദ്യം വേണ്ടത്.' സ്വന്തം മക്കളെ വിശ്വസിക്കാത്ത ഒരച്ഛനെ എന്തിനുവേണ്ടി അവര്‍ വിശ്വസിക്കണം. തിരിച്ചറിവിന്‍റെ പ്രായം ചെറുതായിച്ചെറുതായി വരികയാണ്. എന്‍റെ തലമുറ അറിഞ്ഞ പല കാര്യവും അതിലും എത്രയോ നേരത്തെ എന്‍റെ കുട്ടികള്‍ അറിഞ്ഞിരിക്കുന്നു. ഞാന്‍ അറിയാനിരിക്കുന്ന കാര്യങ്ങള്‍ പലതും അവര്‍ക്കിപ്പോള്‍ അറിയാം.

...

വളരെ കുട്ടിക്കാലത്തേ കുട്ടികള്‍ സ്വന്തം ലോകം പണിതുതുടങ്ങിയിരിക്കുന്നു. അച്ഛനെപ്പോലെയാവാന്‍ മോഹിക്കുന്ന കുട്ടികളുടെ കാലം ഇല്ലാതാവുകയാണ്. അച്ഛന്മാരുടെ റോളുതന്നെ മാറിയിരിക്കുന്നു. എന്‍റെ അച്ഛന്‍റെ റോളല്ല ഞാന്‍ എന്ന അച്ഛന്‍റെ. കാലത്തിനൊപ്പം അവരോടൊപ്പം നടക്കുന്ന അച്ഛനെയും അമ്മയെയുമാണ് കുട്ടികള്‍ക്ക് വേണ്ടത്. അവര്‍ ദൂരെപ്പോവുന്തോറും നമ്മുടെ കണ്ണ് നിറയുമായിരിക്കും. പക്ഷേ അവര്‍ക്കിതൊന്നും പ്രശ്നമല്ല. കാരണം അവരുടെ ദൂരം നമ്മുടെ ദൂരത്തെക്കാള്‍ വളരെ അടുത്താണ്. ചെന്നൈ തിരുവനന്തപുരത്തുനിന്ന്‌ ഏറെ ദൂരെയാണെന്ന് എന്‍റെ അച്ഛന് തോന്നിയിരുന്നു. അമേരിക്ക ചെന്നൈയില്‍ നിന്ന് വളരെ ദൂരെയാണെന്ന് എനിക്ക് തോന്നുന്നു. പക്ഷേ എന്‍റെ മോള്‍ക്ക്‌ ഇത് വിളിപ്പാടകലെയാണ്.

* * *

("വഴിമുടക്കാത്ത വഴികാട്ടി" എന്ന പേരില്‍ പ്രിയദര്‍ശന്‍ മലയാള മനോരമയില്‍ എഴുതിയത്. 2011 ഫെബ്രുവരി 3 വ്യാഴം. മനോരമ സൈറ്റ് യൂണിക്കോഡല്ലാത്തതുകൊണ്ട് ടൈപ്പുചെയ്തു കേറ്റി. സംഭവം മിക്കവാറും കാശുകാരുടെ മക്കളെപ്പറ്റിയാണ് പറയുന്നതെങ്കിലും.)

three liner

2009-02-12T22:22:00.002+05:30

I'm curious to see me acting the adult mother. I always felt that I'm not grown up enough to master motherhood. May be to put in other words people should stop their passion to grow when they take up mothering.

Mom, sit at home

2008-10-18T16:17:00.002+05:30

Mom should sit at home.

I will go out with Sudeep (and any other male available). Sreeji should sit at home, along with other women (if any).

That seems to be Aadil's line these days. I don't know how he has got this idea, and what to do about it.

He protests when either of us go out without him. I guess he is "normal" upto that part.

Has anyone else in this list faced similar behavior from children? Does it have somehing to do with being a boy child?

Clueless.

Sudeep.

(He has also been doing a lot of moral policing on me and Sree, but that one can try to explain as possessiveness or need for attention.)

Before reading "Daring To Be Dirty.

2006-12-03T18:14:00.000+05:30

expressive woman.
road and streets.
I couldn't dance and scream at home even!
My brother would run fast and close the door and windows.
Now with Aadil I spent most of the time either screaming aloud or singing(he enjoys me singing, I couldn't believe one would in the whole of my life!)and dancing. When we walk out also I can noe make faces, keep myself dirty with the leftout parts of eatables( I don't have Dinner manners).

Oh I'm not looked upon as a dirty creature!.

i had more to say about being dirty in mother hood occupation i will quote my conversation with a friend.
Rip:
u

Daring to be dirty.

2006-12-03T16:58:00.000+05:30

I'm back to the life called normal.( I don't know whether I can say "back to", i don't remember a time when i enjoyed normancy in people's eyes when they look at This time Aadil did a lot to save me from the image of unconventionally expressive.
Rip: too many.. theories...
too many...
me: in what?
generally?
Rip: in everythin..
do u accept social science as a science..
me: ha
Rip: also cultural science??
me: if literarure was literary
and cultrual studies cultural
i would not have been a job less scoundrel or..this and this even a mother now
Rip: mmmmmmmmmmmmm.....
me: neeyo?
Rip: i dint get tat qn?
me: respect kooti ningal ennu pareno?
Rip: ayyo vende
i prefer nee
me: social science science ano?anenkil? allenkil?what would u have been?
Rip: njan oru engineer aanu...i only wish an engineer could do engineering!!!!!
software il aayirunnu..infosys..athoru ewngineering sthapanam aakunnathu enganeyennyu manasilakunnilla!!!
me: infosis irakal vereyum friend list undennu thonnu, enginnering irakale enthayalum parichayamundu
Rip: irakal.....
time and the hunter vayichittundo??
calvino..
athil tzero ennoru story undu...brilliant
me: um vayikkam
ethra yayi b'lore il?
njan profile nokkelaaaa
veruthe keri ezhuthan thudangheetha, alpam branthu manathathondu.
Rip: njan evide cat (mba exam) ezhuthan vannu nov 22nd weekil...pinne thirichu company ileykku(not infosys) poyilla
chennayil crosswords ennoru companyil aanu eppam..executive manager ennokke avaru parayunnu...customeres varumabam hello how r u parayunnathu thozhil
they ll pay u well for suffering monotony
pay u( literally and metaphorically)
me: um
what u look for now?
Rip: content writing..ngo...tech writing..ad..etc etc..valya nischayam ella..i dont want to go bak from blore..this is such a brilliant place..
me: entammo
Rip: so many brilliant people..
entammo???
me: alla content wri. and tech wri..bheekara dinanghal aaville?
Rip: ariyilla....onnine kurichum valya pidiyilla...
me: b'lore il oru thirachil aasyamanu, njanghalu ii divaanghalil oru option aalochichu but haven't explored north east at all, so vidanum thonnunnilla
njan joli yonnum cheyyunnilla
motherhood karayamayi nadathunnu
sudeep anu bread kondu varunnathu
Rip: north east beautiful aano?
enikku avare bhayangara eshtamanu
me: pinne... joli ithokke thanneye ullo leee athonnu manasurappode cheyyan pattunnathu vare njan kunjhinu mula kodukkal oru pradhana functionanu, u need rest ennum paranjhirikkum, atha trap or what u say self surviving strategy!uph
She is! ofcourse buetiful. today my friend exclimed> pl. always talk about the bomb blast here not abou the beuty1
beautiful ennu thiruthi,
Rip: motherhood nalla rasamyirikkum alle? chelappam pedi thonnille...? ammaye kurichorkkumbolokke enikku pedi thonnarundu..pinne vallatha oru kaaryam orkkum..enikku ammayavan pattillallo ennu..
appam entha thonnunnethennu ariyilla..
yes..beautiful..
enikku cheenakuttikale othiri eshtava
me: sarikkum i always thought of it
wanted to hear a male talking of it
i went on asking many and to sudeep how they feel while thinkng of it
not being mother
i feel i 'm relieved of what i never gave to my mothere...ory thirichu kodukkal is possible like this...entho!i feel, coz there is no other way i can do ummmmmm pinne
njanorkkum i will never ask him to be grateful...so that i can escape the eyes of, u know!
Rip: yes..
me: i was about to write it in motherhood blog
today came for that only
Rip: pakshe ammayvumbam namukku vallatha oru power( nammal orikkalum aagrahikkathathu) kittunnille?
th epower of protectorship
oru vallatha vulgarity alle athu
like a tretise between the protector and protected there is always power
one can never escape from it
me: then u r here, James is here, so i took some time (from Aadil's quota)
ya true
and that made me write daring to be dirty...i experience a sort of dirt
and normalcy
along with it
u know one thing
Rip: ??
me: i had this in mind.. a sor of social acceptance for my nurturing....what u call...self, a sort of vaaarippunaranum jeevitham "kodukkanum". i played it in my love relationship and end up in tragedy...and this is a beautiful, less risk involved saturation of that self.
Sent at 6:11 PM on Sunday
Rip: are males always playin mothers in a heterosexual relationship?
or that mite be more true in gay relatuionships..
me: do u mind if i make this conversation public?i just had a pause after asking this because i felt it might block ur free expression,,,
Rip: no mprobs at all..
me: um, i think males play that in both relationship,. because su was a mother for me
and i have seen lesbian couple where a female act like father figure and i guess in gay rel. the reversal will be there.
Rip: yes..i can understand...
sometimes i think the concept oif individual is a flawed one
me: did u read that blog?it is growithchildren.blogspot.com has not come to a sate where it reallly is in a form it's a group blog.
Rip: just as the very concept of society is flawed
no..
ll go thru it
me: um
Rip: there mite only be communities..or to be precise imagined communities
me: it is both flwed because system does not function as it ought to be
Rip: or as we percieve it must work..
me: or was supposed by those who made it, if they have had an intention at all of making a good society
Rip: mmmmmmmm..
hey..i ll get to u latr
gtg
bus at seven
some jhad pad packin..
has to get somethin for amma
then off to bus...
take care..
pinne aadilinu enikku vendi oru ummayum kodutheykku...
there?????
me: ok just went to the blog stuff, ok da bye..take care
Rip: bye....
me: bye bye.
ammakkorumma

Rip is busy. You may be interrupting.

Response to Gargi's post in her blog.

2006-11-16T19:35:00.000+05:30

IT would be nice to have a disscussion on the post about mother in GArgi's blog
http://ofadeadyouth.blogspot.com.
In answer to her question how would i be with my child when he grows up...
will i ask back?
Asking back!
What is in return.
What is this to be given in return?
I don't think we leave something in relationships to be gained later on as "conscious retreaval".
WE r here because we create our present.
The mother and child create their present too.
Mother recieves as much fron her child as much as she give.
Pain.
Pleasure.
Belongingness.
Alienation
Everything is shared.
AAdil gives me emotional health.IT's tough to imagine days without seeing him.
I give him the same.
Aadil gives me immense happiness while smiling for every little achievement he has.
I give him the same by being healthy attending him when i'm in peace.
He gives me pain whenever he demands too much
And i do the same treating him as matured when he is still a child.I ask too much from him.
He give me restless days, nights destroys my study materials...I have destroyed his moments of happiness by closing the door behind when i want to communicate with the world outside.

We shared every emotional growth and stagnancies.

When it cease, it cease for both of us.Not that i lose when he disclaims, he loses when i do it.

I think I'm rich enough not to kill him and eat.

If i become too weak and broke i might demand, i might become the mother who demands, i might spent nights in tears...might claim all that in return and what is to be given in return...Had i given him anything that he didn't return at that phase itself?

ya, may be i fed him...he might give me enough money to have food for mysel.over?

What gives mothers the idea that they have done "so much" for their children?I try all means now to get rid of such feelings that I have given so much and...am giving him a fair share.That's all.Well, it might also reduce mother ego.No chance for mother's guilt!!!!

want to say so many things...lack words.better we will go throgh the comments in the post we have started with.Someone has expressed it well towards the end.8th comment.And about my mother...Another day.

reponse to sudeep

2006-11-10T07:02:00.000+05:30

this is in response to sudeep's post on mothers.
i liked it so much. i have always felt like a mother trying to curb her insanity for the child, which made me a more insane mother i suppose. here is short film idea, i always had, and which i still want to realize. let me share it with sudeep and others in response to his note on motherhood

---
sounds and sights of apartment life
alone apartment
mother and kid

they are happy
they are playing
and they are playing
and they are playing

sounds and sights of apartment life
the alone apartment

slowly, gradually,
the mother face changes
it is no more tender,
loving
or gentle

she looks at the child
with her new mad mother face

the child screams
she runs after the child
the child runs screaming too

cut to apartment sights and sounds
cut back to apartment alone

the mother and child again
and they are happy
they are playing
and playing and playing

(i hope this will make more
sense visually)

the "beautiful word" mother

2006-11-08T16:16:00.000+05:30

[This is the post I promised in comment to Jenny's "Mother India". This was written more than two years back and appeared originally on my Sulekha blog [link].

Things have changed after I wrote this. I hope to write a "sequel" (sequels seem to be hot these days) soon. My mom had a stroke last month, second one in about thirteen months' time. She's in the hospital. My father is also more or less stuck at the hospital because someone has to be there.]

What I Learnt from Mom
------------------------------

My mother has gone insane.

My father says so. My brother says so. Many others say so.
A couple of days back, my brother wrote to me saying that she has a strong desire to stay with him at any cost, and said he's running from home.

I wasn't surprised.

Like all other mothers, our mother fed us, clothed us, cared for us and raised us. She also taught at a primary school.

While my father, like all other fathers, enjoyed being the family man, party worker, union leader and press reporter, along with a bit of teaching. He was an important person in the town, while my mom didn't have any say either at home or outside.

It is not that she detested social respect. She enjoyed it whenever she got a taste of it. Most of the time, in an alarming manner. Because she wasn't used to getting any kind of admiration for the person in her, as opposed to what is expected of her as a wife and as a mother. There are rare moments when she shares with us the dreams that she had as a young girl, how she used to do well in sports, and how her friends and teachers admired her.

We quarreled with mom when the food got late. We never even bothered to find out what is involved in getting our meals on the table. All we know is that "mummy ka haath ka khana" is supposed to be the best. Yes, like all mothers, she too lived for others. Which meant her husband and children. So it doesn't come as a surprise if she asks for my brother's life in return. Or mine. Or my father's.

A few days back I overheard someone in my institute lamenting to his foreign friends that in our country, nobody cares if a husband and wife got along with each other. And that his mother was much more attached to him than to his father. Apparently this was curbing his movement, and even the four years of his engineering away from home is turning out to be a torture for his mother.

I felt he was talking for a generation. How can one then blame the Saas who gets insecure when the power she had on her son faces a threat? My mother had also been very attached to me, but I consciously stayed away. Refusing to play the role of a son-- of letting her enjoy the power a mother has over her son. Because I thought it is better to try and change these things that get taken for granted than doing a self sacrifice. My brother believed otherwise, and he kept trying to make a pretty family picture until he reached a point where he couldn't take it any more. I am now writing this piece as a Mother's day gift to my mom.

My friend's mother called the other day and said that her husband gets insecure with every social relationship she develops. And he wakes up in the night and starts weeping if she is not at home even for a day. My poor father also goes into a low if mom is not home. I find it sad that we men grow up without learning to cope with our emotions. It is very convenient for us to hold someone else responsible for our emotional well-being always. Be it mother or wife.

After she retired, my mom used to attend some events of her interest but now she doesn't, because dad doesn't like it. But he used to be out for days during our childhood. That is accepted. Caring for children and raising them is anyway mothers' job. Naturally, when it becomes difficult for her to stay at home without any exposure to the outer world, she tries to find a life in her children.

Some say city women are better off. But seeing them manage the pressures of their career along with the job of taking emotional care of the husband and children, I don't buy it any more.

I learnt from every mom that all moms are insane. Some succeed in keeping it to themselves, some within the four walls of the family.

A recent survey placed mother as the most beautiful word in English language. I learnt from my mom that the beauty of that word comes at the cost of a life. And this cost adds up to nearly half the population of the world.

This mother's day, talk to your mother and find out the price that is being payed for our convenience and our irresponsiblity.

[This was written in the first week of May when rediff, as part of their mother's day celebrations, invited the readers to tell them "what you learnt from mom". They said they'd publish selected entries on "Get Ahead". Rediff didn't carry this write-up.]

mother india

2006-11-03T03:45:00.000+05:30

actually in india mothering happens at different levels.
working class working women's mothering
sometimes amounts to making the child go to sleep
beside toilets and garbage pits and on top of cement sacks
and cowdung heaps

some have told me that they lock up children
as young as three year old bfore going for work -
they have no creches and no support.

i want to make a documentary and there,
i want to document at least some of the terrible
stories i know, and the survival that came slowly after....

this happens especially in the cities
where most working class women are displaced
and they r caught in floating nuclear family units...

in the case of middle class working mothers
most of the motehring is done by grandmothers...
this i want to understand and record

and lastly creches
suddenly in cities, creches are growing as
fast as internet cafes
u now see new boards
like "babies from one month old accepted"!

i too thought that the minute my daughter
turns one and a half, i will leave her in a creche
and get back to work but as part of trying to
make her accustomed to the creche, i had to
stay in the creche and there i experienced
what creches in india are..

in this particular creche there were two underpaid,
overworked, sad, depressed and higly frustrated
ammas or ayahs, who has so much work to do at
home that they are literally sleeping or otherwise
screamng at the children.

lonely desperate clingy children
bewildered by the sudden change
and seperation
are left to the mercy of these women
who are without mercy themselves

i decided i will not let my daughter
grow up in this atmosphere of sorrow
and thus i became a stay at home mother!

and almost spoiled the normal flow of my career -
i had this choice as my husband has a govt job
i am sure many mothers see this and still leave
their children behind with breaking hearts

i wish there will be more child care facilites
for working class women
in bastis/slums - NGOs usually don't think of this -
i also wish that middle class women woudl do something
to change the shape of midldle class creches...

my contribution i hope will be as a study first and then
a documentary...

Individuation

2006-10-21T19:28:00.000+05:30

What i was trying to convey through my response to the latest comment(sachin's) on "what this space means to me" is well expressed in this link. Though I was researching on the term "individuation" I got into this page which says more about the experience of being a mother than what we have said in this blog.
It reminded me of my shameful and embarassing involvement with medical world for delivery. All the experience of being a puppet in the hands of the 'gynocologist' who thinks it is she who is going to deliver the baby and the senior Doctors who think "how stupid u r, did u think delivery is a natural process!" and the like came to my mind while reading this.
There is another important question raised in the same write up in the fact that:
"The standard cultural response to women publishing, broadcasting or teaching their experiences is to vilify and denigrate the women themselves; ignoring what it is they have to say."

what this space means to me.

2006-10-15T16:49:00.000+05:30

I was dying into silence when a friend of mine (when I called) inspired me to write this by commenting on the boring content in this space. What can this space mean? This is not a gathering of people who have same ideas and backgrounds. When they start speaking there ought to be a common platform. And at this stage it is not there and I believe this is the right way to start with. I wrote my ideas without caring for the feelings of people involved and am silent now because I need to know what ought to be discussed here by observing the current. Once Prasad also asked at the end of his write up whether those things are to be talked about in this space. We don't know. This is a prior stage of this blog where the speakers and readers form and give form to this. So how can we speak of that?

OK-- this gives me a chance to put forward this idea which might have been there in many minds but didn't came here. So the silent members, if they are silent just because of this lack of clarity about platform can occupy the space.

Another thing is that I didn't fear this space is dying out. Because this is where the casualities meet, excuse me for this expression. But for people who have selected their own path and have not got any guide in any form, parenting is a similar experience. I would try to explain it further. There are people who became parents accidentally. There are people who wanted to be parents but realised after that this period is more complicated than what they imagined. There are people who knew it is going to make life different and yet wanted to take up that difference not knowing whether it will be positive or negative. There are people who thought it's going to be very very tough and it really didn't trun out to be so and hence wonder what it was that the past generation used to say:

I have heard my mother saying many times that she wanted "traditional" kind of children, that she could never love her children, that she has sacrificed her life, she has lived for them-- so many contradictory statements which really made me curious. Earlier I used to mix up things and would think she is loveless, she is wrong. Once I listened to her conversation with my friend (who is elder to me and younger to her and hence shares both sides). That friend told her she could never love her children because she herself was a victim of her own mothers sentiments and wanted her to marry and have children when she herself wanted to do a Ph.d. But I knew she is loving and I have seen her caring so much about her children. I heard my mother saying she had the same phase.

I have heard Sudeep's mother saying Sudeep and Subid are like heartbeats to her. And I have witnessed the kind of cruel sentimental blackmailing she does to them and to those who are part of their lives. There were so many complicated and contradictory statements from these mother figures that I really wanted to explore this thing called parenthood. And I know my exprience of being a mother does not in itself give me any insight to the situation. My friend whom I called today to hear the abovesaid comment about blog also said that he doesn't want to be in such a pathetic condition by begetting children. I want to ask him how is this becoming any less than being an activist in a world knowing this is not going to change the whole world and is not going to bring things into an order.

These are all explorations and we are not in any ideal state whether we are parents or not. I myself prefered parenting to doing Ph.D in IITB. And hence had experienced a strange pleasure while moving around the campus with my huge belly, resigning my post as a Ph.D student. I really wanted to scream at certain period and tell the academic world, "look, if there is going to be any lack for the world of an academic work, the academic stucture itself is responsible for that, and here's another way of living and learning.." So many such statements came to my mind before I reached another academic space again thinking of doing research and balancing my motherhood and research experiences. I would talk of it in another post since this has become long.

Saturday and Sunday holiday

2006-10-15T10:59:00.000+05:30

They say children are pious, spontaneous and innocent. At times they say children are very selfish. I want to explore how to keep our innocence and spontaneity alive. Are we different from children?

Saturday and Sunday holiday!

But for the holy children (at times, they r holy na?) it's a strange idea. The second day aadil spent his half day in the new environment as a serious man, he seemed to be adjusting...

Third day he was ok and fourth day he was happy when Sudeep met him after the "school time",

Fifth day was a holiday and morning we missed bus to city and came back to room.he was so irritated and took his bottle and strted going to school all alone. It seemed he didn't like the idea of having a holiday.

OK, let me come to the factors that might have made him happy there.
It could be the presence of other kids.
It might also be because the authority doesn't seem to impose themselves upon the children.

They are sensitive enough that they don't insist on a diaper, don't put the kid "inside" all the day, and they don't feed the children. Children eat by themselves, spilling around and playing with their food.

When he comes back to spend the afternoon with me, (I spend the whole morning time with myself, thinking, writing, dancing,cleaning...) he finds a mother capable to be spontaneous with him.

It makes life different. After spending three or four hours with him, I take another break of about three hours and it energetises me. Now I feel relieved of the guilty feeling of not being good and spontaneous with Aadil. "MAKING OF A GOOD MOTHER"?

It also changed my view that only those people who are enlightened (had self realisation) should think of parenting. We (normal people in the phase of transformation) can also be good parents provided we get time for our own needs.

I wrote in my diary: We all need to give more attention to the child in us, while we care our children. Aadil's needs are better served now than when I was thwarted by my surroundings to become a full-time mother.

2006-10-13T19:59:00.000+05:30

i want to write about my experience with creche. in fact i want to make a film on it and write a book on it. for the time being i will just write here. but i am not finding the time. so i will just postpone it for tomorrow. when i will write a long piece on it, i hope...

Aadil goes to creche

2006-10-12T17:09:00.000+05:30

This blog seems to have entered the "endangered" list already. Friends, we know we are all busy but let us try to find some time for this space, say an hour a week at least.

So let me start with an update on Aadil-- he has started going to creche. Well, more precisely, we took him to creche this Monday. He didn't seem very uncomfortable there so we've decided to keep him at the creche in the mornings. He wasn't happy with the curiosity with which other children, almost all of them elder, treated him the first day but hopefully that "cute baby" treatment will give way to healthier relationships soon.

Whether we grow with our children or not (no matter how much ever we try) is a matter of debate but let us not give up this space so soon.

Papa of Three

2006-09-25T23:31:00.001+05:30

We started our parenting right from the beginning of sapna's conception...every week we got pregnancy news letters.....we monitored each and every moments of our children's growth....did a lot of experiments....played music.....watched the movements in the ultra sound scanner....But after the birth of twins it is altogether a different affair....the initial excitement of Niran gave way to his envious attitude towards the younger ones.....He keeps changing his attitude.Sometimes he is unpredictable.....very elusive he is...How to tackle him is the greatesrt challenge before us....!!He cant stand the sight of Sapna feeding the younger ones...probably these are normal behavioural patterns...Still I would like to hear from you.....the ways to tackle him....strategically....!!! Sometimes he kisses them lovingly......the next moment he pinches them and runs away.....He is now three years and nine months.and the twins are two and half months old.....!!!! Should I be a bit delicate to discuss and share these things...? I don't know really....Bye

someone to take the kid away

2006-09-25T21:13:00.000+05:30

this is jenny; my blog name is appearing
instead of mine. can anyone change it?

about parenting.
about the blog.

somehow i am not able to write anything serious.
today i spend the whole day with my daughter.
i am a stay-at-home mother
and together we cooked and cleaned
and talked...then it started to rain.
so together we watched the rain.
and i told her stories from alice in wonderland
it makes her so happy that she literally
screams as alice grows and shrinks.

after evenign, my parents came and babu
came and i am comparitively free.

this is one thing i want to say about parenting.
there shoudl be some back up, someone to
come and take the kid away.
other wise things cannot work out.
would anyone like to talk about this?

bye

2006-09-23T12:02:00.000+05:30

"a blog is a nice idea... although jenny might be a better person to talk about motherhood... me and sudeep can talk about fatherhood... and i think that's not been talked about enough...", says Hany. Right. So let me think what is fatherhood.

When I thought of parenting, the absence of fatherhood struck me.

Father is not even an other, he is an absence in discourses of parenting. We can either start with creating a fatherhood or we can divide the existing motherhood experiences so as half of it becomes fatherhood.

I'll quote what Smrti says about their sharing of parenthood. "Sanjeev is back to painting. kuttiye valarthal is mutual. I take her with me and keep her in the creche on my way to university, San works till lunch time and collects her, she comes, eats and sleeps for 2-3 hrs, San gets back to work and by then I'm back and take her out for an hour or so. Yesterday she was with me in the department, becasue San had to go somewhere. It is not that easy a job, but because she is highly cooperative we manage somehow. Looking forward to the kuttiye valarthal discussion..."

Here is a concept of sharing.

Shall we problematize sharing?

In many cases, the burden and responsibility in child rearing are shared with conscious effort of democratic parents.Yet there are spaces to be filled and factors of less obvious to be considered. I feel while considering the way female figures are created phisically and socially, they ought to be given less responsibility of giving care to children.While determining the roles of the female figures and male figures involved, it is better to assign more on the part of male figures since they already lack the growth through ten yeara of pregnancy and the rest of breastfeeding experience (physically and mentally it contributes to the growth of a person into parent) and socally also they are not constructed as fitting into the care giving patterns.Personally, i give much of my life in care and need more time for developing other aspects(being a social being) than sudeep needs.waiting for responses...sreejitha.