പ്രശ്നം അച്ഛനാണ്

പ്രശ്നം അച്ഛനാണ്
പ്രിയദര്‍ശന്‍


സത്യത്തില്‍ കരയേണ്ട കാര്യമില്ല. പക്ഷേ, അന്നുരാത്രി വീട്ടില്‍ വല്ലാതെ ഒറ്റപ്പെട്ടതായി തോന്നി. കണ്ണ് നിറയുകയും രാത്രി ഉറങ്ങാതെ തിരിഞ്ഞും മറിഞ്ഞും ചെയ്ത്. അച്ഛന്‍ എന്നെയോര്‍ത്ത് എത്രയേറെ സങ്കടപ്പെട്ടിട്ടുണ്ടാവും എന്ന് അന്ന് മനസ്സിലായി.

മകള്‍ പ്ലസ് ടുവിന് ശേഷം അമേരിക്കയില്‍ പഠിക്കാന്‍ പോയ ദിവസമായിരുന്നു അത്. ഭാര്യ ലിസിയും കൂടെപ്പോയിട്ടുണ്ട്. യാത്ര പറയുമ്പോഴൊന്നും വലിയ പ്രയാസം തോന്നിയില്ല. പക്ഷേ ഇരുട്ടുന്തോറും വല്ലാത്തൊരു വിങ്ങല്‍ കൂടിക്കൂടി വന്നു. പ്ലസ് ട കഴിഞ്ഞ കുട്ടി അറിയാത്ത ദേശത്ത് പരിചയമില്ലാത്തവരുടെ കൂടെ ഒറ്റയ്ക്ക് നാലുവര്‍ഷം താമസിക്കാന്‍  പോവുകയാണ്. ഹോസ്റ്റലിലെ ഒരു കൊച്ചുമുറിയിലെ ബങ്കുബെഡായിരിക്കും ഇനി അവളുടെ ലോകം. മൈനസ് 20 ഡിഗ്രി വരെ താഴുന്ന തണുപ്പും പിന്നീട് ചൂടും അവളെ കാത്തുനില്‍ക്കും. രണ്ടുതവണ കൂടുതല്‍ തുമ്മിയാല്‍ ലിസി പുറകെ നടന്ന്‌ അവളെ ആശ്വസിപ്പിക്കുമായിരുന്നു. ബ്രഡും ഓംലറ്റും മാത്രം ഉണ്ടാക്കാന്‍ അറിയാവുന്നൊരു കുട്ടി. അലക്കിത്തേച്ച ഉടുപ്പുകള്‍ അലമാരയില്‍ നിന്ന് എടുത്തണിഞ്ഞാണ് ശീലം. ഇനി പാചകവും ഭക്ഷണവും വസ്ത്രമലക്കും എല്ലാം തനിയെ ചെയ്യണം.

എന്റെ മകന്‍റെ ഏറ്റവും വലിയ സുഹൃത്താവാന്‍ ഞാന്‍ ശ്രമിച്ചിരുന്നു. എനിക്ക് ക്രിക്കറ്റ് ലഹരിയാണ്. അവന് ഫുട്ബോളും. അവനോടു സംസാരിച്ചിരിക്കാന്‍ വേണ്ടി മാത്രം ഞാന്‍ ഫുട്ബോള്‍ കളിയിലെ വാര്‍ത്തകളും മത്സരങ്ങളും ശ്രദ്ധിച്ചു. പക്ഷേ കുറച്ചുകാലം കഴിഞ്ഞപ്പോള്‍ തോന്നി അവനോടു സംസാരിക്കാന്‍ വേണ്ടി ഫുട്ബോള്‍ പഠിച്ച ഒരു മണ്ടനായാണ് അവന്‍ അച്ഛനെ കാണുന്നതെന്ന്. അവന്റെ താല്‍പ്പര്യം അപ്പോഴേയ്ക്കും പുതിയ മേച്ചില്‍പ്പുറങ്ങള്‍ തേടിപ്പോയിരുന്നു.

തലമുറകളുടെ വ്യത്യാസം വളരെ വലുതുതന്നെയാണ്. മക്കള്‍ എന്നേ സുഹൃത്തായി ആലോചിച്ചിട്ട് പോലുമില്ല. അവര്‍ക്ക് വേണ്ടത് ഒരച്ഛനെ മാത്രമാണ്. അവരുടെ വഴിമുടക്കാതെ കൂടെ നടക്കുന്നോരാളെ. എനിക്കവരെക്കുറിച്ചു സ്വപ്നങ്ങളുണ്ടാവാം. പക്ഷേ അത് എന്‍റെ മാത്രം സ്വപ്നങ്ങളാണ്.

മകനെ വക്കീലാക്കാന്‍ എന്‍റെ അച്ഛന്‍ മോഹിച്ചു. ഒരുറപ്പുമില്ലാത്ത സിനിമയുടെ ലോകത്തേയ്ക്ക് ഞാന്‍ പോവുമ്പോള്‍ ഒരക്ഷരം എതിര്‍പ്പ് പറഞ്ഞില്ല. പക്ഷേ എത്രത്തോളം വേദനിച്ചിട്ടുണ്ടാവുമെന്ന് ഇപ്പോള്‍ അറിയുന്നു. ഞാന്‍ ചെന്നൈയിലെ ചെറിയ ലോഡ്ജുകളില്‍ തറയില്‍ പായ വിരിച്ചു കിടക്കുന്നതറിഞ്ഞ് അച്ഛന്‍റെ നെഞ്ചുപൊള്ളിയിരിക്കണം. പക്ഷേ എന്‍റെ സ്വപ്നത്തിനുവേണ്ടി അച്ഛന്‍ എല്ലാം സഹിച്ചു.

എന്‍റെ കൂടെ എത്രയോ പെണ്‍കുട്ടികള്‍ ജോലി ചെയ്യുന്നുണ്ട്. അവരില്‍ പലരുടെയും പ്രശ്നം അവരുടെ അച്ഛനാണ്. സ്വപ്നങ്ങള്‍ തകര്‍ത്തുകളഞ്ഞ അച്ഛന്മാരാണ് അവരുടെ ഏറ്റവും വലിയ ശത്രു. ജോലി ചെയ്യുന്നതും മദ്യപിക്കുന്നതും സിഗരറ്റ് വലിക്കുന്നതും എല്ലാം അച്ഛനെ തോല്‍പ്പിക്കാന്‍ വേണ്ടിയാണ്. മെഡിക്കല്‍ കോളേജിലെ പഠനത്തിനിടയില്‍പ്പോലും സിനിമയിലേക്ക് ഓടിവന്ന കുട്ടികളുണ്ട്. അവരുടെ മനസ്സില്‍ അച്ഛനില്ലാതായിരിക്കുന്നു. ഉപേക്ഷിച്ച് ഒളിച്ചോടിപ്പോയ അമ്മയോടുപോലും ഒരിറ്റുവാത്സല്യം മിക്കവരിലും ബാക്കിയുണ്ട്.

പ്ലസ് ടു കഴിയുന്നതുവരെ ഇന്‍റര്‍നെറ്റ് ഉപയോഗിക്കുന്നത് വിലക്കിയ അച്ഛനെക്കുറിച്ച് ഒരുകുട്ടി എന്നോട് ചോദിച്ചു: `ഇത്രയേറെ എന്നെ വിശ്വാസമില്ലാത്ത ഒരാളുടെ കൂടെ താമസിക്കുന്നത് പോലും എനിക്കാലോചിക്കാനാവുന്നില്ല. ഞാന്‍ അശ്ലീലസൈറ്റുകള്‍ കാണുമെന്ന്‌ അച്ഛന്‍ ഭയക്കുന്നു. ഈ അച്ഛന്‍റെ മകള്‍ കാണില്ലെന്ന വിശ്വാസമല്ലേ ആദ്യം വേണ്ടത്.' സ്വന്തം മക്കളെ വിശ്വസിക്കാത്ത ഒരച്ഛനെ എന്തിനുവേണ്ടി അവര്‍ വിശ്വസിക്കണം. തിരിച്ചറിവിന്‍റെ പ്രായം ചെറുതായിച്ചെറുതായി വരികയാണ്. എന്‍റെ തലമുറ അറിഞ്ഞ പല കാര്യവും അതിലും എത്രയോ നേരത്തെ എന്‍റെ കുട്ടികള്‍ അറിഞ്ഞിരിക്കുന്നു. ഞാന്‍ അറിയാനിരിക്കുന്ന കാര്യങ്ങള്‍ പലതും അവര്‍ക്കിപ്പോള്‍ അറിയാം.

...

വളരെ കുട്ടിക്കാലത്തേ കുട്ടികള്‍ സ്വന്തം ലോകം പണിതുതുടങ്ങിയിരിക്കുന്നു. അച്ഛനെപ്പോലെയാവാന്‍ മോഹിക്കുന്ന കുട്ടികളുടെ കാലം ഇല്ലാതാവുകയാണ്.  അച്ഛന്മാരുടെ റോളുതന്നെ മാറിയിരിക്കുന്നു. എന്‍റെ അച്ഛന്‍റെ റോളല്ല ഞാന്‍ എന്ന അച്ഛന്‍റെ. കാലത്തിനൊപ്പം അവരോടൊപ്പം നടക്കുന്ന അച്ഛനെയും അമ്മയെയുമാണ് കുട്ടികള്‍ക്ക് വേണ്ടത്. അവര്‍ ദൂരെപ്പോവുന്തോറും നമ്മുടെ കണ്ണ് നിറയുമായിരിക്കും. പക്ഷേ അവര്‍ക്കിതൊന്നും പ്രശ്നമല്ല. കാരണം അവരുടെ ദൂരം നമ്മുടെ ദൂരത്തെക്കാള്‍ വളരെ അടുത്താണ്. ചെന്നൈ തിരുവനന്തപുരത്തുനിന്ന്‌ ഏറെ ദൂരെയാണെന്ന് എന്‍റെ അച്ഛന് തോന്നിയിരുന്നു. അമേരിക്ക ചെന്നൈയില്‍ നിന്ന് വളരെ ദൂരെയാണെന്ന് എനിക്ക് തോന്നുന്നു. പക്ഷേ എന്‍റെ മോള്‍ക്ക്‌ ഇത് വിളിപ്പാടകലെയാണ്.

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("വഴിമുടക്കാത്ത വഴികാട്ടി" എന്ന പേരില്‍ പ്രിയദര്‍ശന്‍ മലയാള മനോരമയില്‍ എഴുതിയത്. 2011 ഫെബ്രുവരി 3 വ്യാഴം. മനോരമ സൈറ്റ് യൂണിക്കോഡല്ലാത്തതുകൊണ്ട് ടൈപ്പുചെയ്തു കേറ്റി. സംഭവം മിക്കവാറും കാശുകാരുടെ മക്കളെപ്പറ്റിയാണ് പറയുന്നതെങ്കിലും.)

three liner

I'm curious to see me acting the adult mother. I always felt that I'm not grown up enough to master motherhood. May be to put in other words people should stop their passion to grow when they take up mothering.

Mom, sit at home

Mom should sit at home.

I will go out with Sudeep (and any other male available). Sreeji should sit at home, along with other women (if any).

That seems to be Aadil's line these days. I don't know how he has got this idea, and what to do about it.

He protests when either of us go out without him. I guess he is "normal" upto that part.

Has anyone else in this list faced similar behavior from children? Does it have somehing to do with being a boy child?

Clueless.

Sudeep.

(He has also been doing a lot of moral policing on me and Sree, but that one can try to explain as possessiveness or need for attention.)

Before reading "Daring To Be Dirty.

expressive woman.
road and streets.
I couldn't dance and scream at home even!
My brother would run fast and close the door and windows.
Now with Aadil I spent most of the time either screaming aloud or singing(he enjoys me singing, I couldn't believe one would in the whole of my life!)and dancing. When we walk out also I can noe make faces, keep myself dirty with the leftout parts of eatables( I don't have Dinner manners).

Oh I'm not looked upon as a dirty creature!.

i had more to say about being dirty in mother hood occupation i will quote my conversation with a friend.
Rip:
u

Daring to be dirty.

I'm back to the life called normal.( I don't know whether I can say "back to", i don't remember a time when i enjoyed normancy in people's eyes when they look at This time Aadil did a lot to save me from the image of unconventionally expressive.
Rip: too many.. theories...
too many...
me: in what?
generally?
Rip: in everythin..
do u accept social science as a science..
me: ha
Rip: also cultural science??
me: if literarure was literary
and cultrual studies cultural
i would not have been a job less scoundrel or..this and this even a mother now
Rip: mmmmmmmmmmmmm.....
me: neeyo?
Rip: i dint get tat qn?
me: respect kooti ningal ennu pareno?
Rip: ayyo vende
i prefer nee
me: social science science ano?anenkil? allenkil?what would u have been?
Rip: njan oru engineer aanu...i only wish an engineer could do engineering!!!!!
software il aayirunnu..infosys..athoru ewngineering sthapanam aakunnathu enganeyennyu manasilakunnilla!!!
me: infosis irakal vereyum friend list undennu thonnu, enginnering irakale enthayalum parichayamundu
Rip: irakal.....
time and the hunter vayichittundo??
calvino..
athil tzero ennoru story undu...brilliant
me: um vayikkam
ethra yayi b'lore il?
njan profile nokkelaaaa
veruthe keri ezhuthan thudangheetha, alpam branthu manathathondu.
Rip: njan evide cat (mba exam) ezhuthan vannu nov 22nd weekil...pinne thirichu company ileykku(not infosys) poyilla
chennayil crosswords ennoru companyil aanu eppam..executive manager ennokke avaru parayunnu...customeres varumabam hello how r u parayunnathu thozhil
they ll pay u well for suffering monotony
pay u( literally and metaphorically)
me: um
what u look for now?
Rip: content writing..ngo...tech writing..ad..etc etc..valya nischayam ella..i dont want to go bak from blore..this is such a brilliant place..
me: entammo
Rip: so many brilliant people..
entammo???
me: alla content wri. and tech wri..bheekara dinanghal aaville?
Rip: ariyilla....onnine kurichum valya pidiyilla...
me: b'lore il oru thirachil aasyamanu, njanghalu ii divaanghalil oru option aalochichu but haven't explored north east at all, so vidanum thonnunnilla
njan joli yonnum cheyyunnilla
motherhood karayamayi nadathunnu
sudeep anu bread kondu varunnathu
Rip: north east beautiful aano?
enikku avare bhayangara eshtamanu
me: pinne... joli ithokke thanneye ullo leee athonnu manasurappode cheyyan pattunnathu vare njan kunjhinu mula kodukkal oru pradhana functionanu, u need rest ennum paranjhirikkum, atha trap or what u say self surviving strategy!uph
She is! ofcourse buetiful. today my friend exclimed> pl. always talk about the bomb blast here not abou the beuty1
beautiful ennu thiruthi,
Rip: motherhood nalla rasamyirikkum alle? chelappam pedi thonnille...? ammaye kurichorkkumbolokke enikku pedi thonnarundu..pinne vallatha oru kaaryam orkkum..enikku ammayavan pattillallo ennu..
appam entha thonnunnethennu ariyilla..
yes..beautiful..
enikku cheenakuttikale othiri eshtava
me: sarikkum i always thought of it
wanted to hear a male talking of it
i went on asking many and to sudeep how they feel while thinkng of it
not being mother
i feel i 'm relieved of what i never gave to my mothere...ory thirichu kodukkal is possible like this...entho!i feel, coz there is no other way i can do ummmmmm pinne
njanorkkum i will never ask him to be grateful...so that i can escape the eyes of, u know!
Rip: yes..
me: i was about to write it in motherhood blog
today came for that only
Rip: pakshe ammayvumbam namukku vallatha oru power( nammal orikkalum aagrahikkathathu) kittunnille?
th epower of protectorship
oru vallatha vulgarity alle athu
like a tretise between the protector and protected there is always power
one can never escape from it
me: then u r here, James is here, so i took some time (from Aadil's quota)
ya true
and that made me write daring to be dirty...i experience a sort of dirt
and normalcy
along with it
u know one thing
Rip: ??
me: i had this in mind.. a sor of social acceptance for my nurturing....what u call...self, a sort of vaaarippunaranum jeevitham "kodukkanum". i played it in my love relationship and end up in tragedy...and this is a beautiful, less risk involved saturation of that self.
Sent at 6:11 PM on Sunday
Rip: are males always playin mothers in a heterosexual relationship?
or that mite be more true in gay relatuionships..
me: do u mind if i make this conversation public?i just had a pause after asking this because i felt it might block ur free expression,,,
Rip: no mprobs at all..
me: um, i think males play that in both relationship,. because su was a mother for me
and i have seen lesbian couple where a female act like father figure and i guess in gay rel. the reversal will be there.
Rip: yes..i can understand...
sometimes i think the concept oif individual is a flawed one
me: did u read that blog?it is growithchildren.blogspot.com has not come to a sate where it reallly is in a form it's a group blog.
Rip: just as the very concept of society is flawed
no..
ll go thru it
me: um
Rip: there mite only be communities..or to be precise imagined communities
me: it is both flwed because system does not function as it ought to be
Rip: or as we percieve it must work..
me: or was supposed by those who made it, if they have had an intention at all of making a good society
Rip: mmmmmmmm..
hey..i ll get to u latr
gtg
bus at seven
some jhad pad packin..
has to get somethin for amma
then off to bus...
take care..
pinne aadilinu enikku vendi oru ummayum kodutheykku...
there?????
me: ok just went to the blog stuff, ok da bye..take care
Rip: bye....
me: bye bye.
ammakkorumma

Rip is busy. You may be interrupting.

Response to Gargi's post in her blog.

IT would be nice to have a disscussion on the post about mother in GArgi's blog
http://ofadeadyouth.blogspot.com.
In answer to her question how would i be with my child when he grows up...
will i ask back?
Asking back!
What is in return.
What is this to be given in return?
I don't think we leave something in relationships to be gained later on as "conscious retreaval".
WE r here because we create our present.
The mother and child create their present too.
Mother recieves as much fron her child as much as she give.
Pain.
Pleasure.
Belongingness.
Alienation
Everything is shared.
AAdil gives me emotional health.IT's tough to imagine days without seeing him.
I give him the same.
Aadil gives me immense happiness while smiling for every little achievement he has.
I give him the same by being healthy attending him when i'm in peace.
He gives me pain whenever he demands too much
And i do the same treating him as matured when he is still a child.I ask too much from him.
He give me restless days, nights destroys my study materials...I have destroyed his moments of happiness by closing the door behind when i want to communicate with the world outside.

We shared every emotional growth and stagnancies.

When it cease, it cease for both of us.Not that i lose when he disclaims, he loses when i do it.

I think I'm rich enough not to kill him and eat.

If i become too weak and broke i might demand, i might become the mother who demands, i might spent nights in tears...might claim all that in return and what is to be given in return...Had i given him anything that he didn't return at that phase itself?

ya, may be i fed him...he might give me enough money to have food for mysel.over?

What gives mothers the idea that they have done "so much" for their children?I try all means now to get rid of such feelings that I have given so much and...am giving him a fair share.That's all.Well, it might also reduce mother ego.No chance for mother's guilt!!!!

want to say so many things...lack words.better we will go throgh the comments in the post we have started with.Someone has expressed it well towards the end.8th comment.And about my mother...Another day.

reponse to sudeep

this is in response to sudeep's post on mothers.
i liked it so much. i have always felt like a mother trying to curb her insanity for the child, which made me a more insane mother i suppose. here is short film idea, i always had, and which i still want to realize. let me share it with sudeep and others in response to his note on motherhood

---
sounds and sights of apartment life
alone apartment
mother and kid

they are happy
they are playing
and they are playing
and they are playing

sounds and sights of apartment life
the alone apartment

slowly, gradually,
the mother face changes
it is no more tender,
loving
or gentle

she looks at the child
with her new mad mother face

the child screams
she runs after the child
the child runs screaming too

cut to apartment sights and sounds
cut back to apartment alone

the mother and child again
and they are happy
they are playing
and playing and playing

(i hope this will make more
sense visually)

the "beautiful word" mother

[This is the post I promised in comment to Jenny's "Mother India". This was written more than two years back and appeared originally on my Sulekha blog [link].

Things have changed after I wrote this. I hope to write a "sequel" (sequels seem to be hot these days) soon. My mom had a stroke last month, second one in about thirteen months' time. She's in the hospital. My father is also more or less stuck at the hospital because someone has to be there.]


What I Learnt from Mom
------------------------------

My mother has gone insane.

My father says so. My brother says so. Many others say so.
A couple of days back, my brother wrote to me saying that she has a strong desire to stay with him at any cost, and said he's running from home.

I wasn't surprised.

Like all other mothers, our mother fed us, clothed us, cared for us and raised us. She also taught at a primary school.

While my father, like all other fathers, enjoyed being the family man, party worker, union leader and press reporter, along with a bit of teaching. He was an important person in the town, while my mom didn't have any say either at home or outside.

It is not that she detested social respect. She enjoyed it whenever she got a taste of it. Most of the time, in an alarming manner. Because she wasn't used to getting any kind of admiration for the person in her, as opposed to what is expected of her as a wife and as a mother. There are rare moments when she shares with us the dreams that she had as a young girl, how she used to do well in sports, and how her friends and teachers admired her.

We quarreled with mom when the food got late. We never even bothered to find out what is involved in getting our meals on the table. All we know is that "mummy ka haath ka khana" is supposed to be the best. Yes, like all mothers, she too lived for others. Which meant her husband and children. So it doesn't come as a surprise if she asks for my brother's life in return. Or mine. Or my father's.

A few days back I overheard someone in my institute lamenting to his foreign friends that in our country, nobody cares if a husband and wife got along with each other. And that his mother was much more attached to him than to his father. Apparently this was curbing his movement, and even the four years of his engineering away from home is turning out to be a torture for his mother.

I felt he was talking for a generation. How can one then blame the Saas who gets insecure when the power she had on her son faces a threat? My mother had also been very attached to me, but I consciously stayed away. Refusing to play the role of a son-- of letting her enjoy the power a mother has over her son. Because I thought it is better to try and change these things that get taken for granted than doing a self sacrifice. My brother believed otherwise, and he kept trying to make a pretty family picture until he reached a point where he couldn't take it any more. I am now writing this piece as a Mother's day gift to my mom.

My friend's mother called the other day and said that her husband gets insecure with every social relationship she develops. And he wakes up in the night and starts weeping if she is not at home even for a day. My poor father also goes into a low if mom is not home. I find it sad that we men grow up without learning to cope with our emotions. It is very convenient for us to hold someone else responsible for our emotional well-being always. Be it mother or wife.

After she retired, my mom used to attend some events of her interest but now she doesn't, because dad doesn't like it. But he used to be out for days during our childhood. That is accepted. Caring for children and raising them is anyway mothers' job. Naturally, when it becomes difficult for her to stay at home without any exposure to the outer world, she tries to find a life in her children.

Some say city women are better off. But seeing them manage the pressures of their career along with the job of taking emotional care of the husband and children, I don't buy it any more.

I learnt from every mom that all moms are insane. Some succeed in keeping it to themselves, some within the four walls of the family.

A recent survey placed mother as the most beautiful word in English language. I learnt from my mom that the beauty of that word comes at the cost of a life. And this cost adds up to nearly half the population of the world.

This mother's day, talk to your mother and find out the price that is being payed for our convenience and our irresponsiblity.

[This was written in the first week of May when rediff, as part of their mother's day celebrations, invited the readers to tell them "what you learnt from mom". They said they'd publish selected entries on "Get Ahead". Rediff didn't carry this write-up.]