the "beautiful word" mother

[This is the post I promised in comment to Jenny's "Mother India". This was written more than two years back and appeared originally on my Sulekha blog [link].

Things have changed after I wrote this. I hope to write a "sequel" (sequels seem to be hot these days) soon. My mom had a stroke last month, second one in about thirteen months' time. She's in the hospital. My father is also more or less stuck at the hospital because someone has to be there.]


What I Learnt from Mom
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My mother has gone insane.

My father says so. My brother says so. Many others say so.
A couple of days back, my brother wrote to me saying that she has a strong desire to stay with him at any cost, and said he's running from home.

I wasn't surprised.

Like all other mothers, our mother fed us, clothed us, cared for us and raised us. She also taught at a primary school.

While my father, like all other fathers, enjoyed being the family man, party worker, union leader and press reporter, along with a bit of teaching. He was an important person in the town, while my mom didn't have any say either at home or outside.

It is not that she detested social respect. She enjoyed it whenever she got a taste of it. Most of the time, in an alarming manner. Because she wasn't used to getting any kind of admiration for the person in her, as opposed to what is expected of her as a wife and as a mother. There are rare moments when she shares with us the dreams that she had as a young girl, how she used to do well in sports, and how her friends and teachers admired her.

We quarreled with mom when the food got late. We never even bothered to find out what is involved in getting our meals on the table. All we know is that "mummy ka haath ka khana" is supposed to be the best. Yes, like all mothers, she too lived for others. Which meant her husband and children. So it doesn't come as a surprise if she asks for my brother's life in return. Or mine. Or my father's.

A few days back I overheard someone in my institute lamenting to his foreign friends that in our country, nobody cares if a husband and wife got along with each other. And that his mother was much more attached to him than to his father. Apparently this was curbing his movement, and even the four years of his engineering away from home is turning out to be a torture for his mother.

I felt he was talking for a generation. How can one then blame the Saas who gets insecure when the power she had on her son faces a threat? My mother had also been very attached to me, but I consciously stayed away. Refusing to play the role of a son-- of letting her enjoy the power a mother has over her son. Because I thought it is better to try and change these things that get taken for granted than doing a self sacrifice. My brother believed otherwise, and he kept trying to make a pretty family picture until he reached a point where he couldn't take it any more. I am now writing this piece as a Mother's day gift to my mom.

My friend's mother called the other day and said that her husband gets insecure with every social relationship she develops. And he wakes up in the night and starts weeping if she is not at home even for a day. My poor father also goes into a low if mom is not home. I find it sad that we men grow up without learning to cope with our emotions. It is very convenient for us to hold someone else responsible for our emotional well-being always. Be it mother or wife.

After she retired, my mom used to attend some events of her interest but now she doesn't, because dad doesn't like it. But he used to be out for days during our childhood. That is accepted. Caring for children and raising them is anyway mothers' job. Naturally, when it becomes difficult for her to stay at home without any exposure to the outer world, she tries to find a life in her children.

Some say city women are better off. But seeing them manage the pressures of their career along with the job of taking emotional care of the husband and children, I don't buy it any more.

I learnt from every mom that all moms are insane. Some succeed in keeping it to themselves, some within the four walls of the family.

A recent survey placed mother as the most beautiful word in English language. I learnt from my mom that the beauty of that word comes at the cost of a life. And this cost adds up to nearly half the population of the world.

This mother's day, talk to your mother and find out the price that is being payed for our convenience and our irresponsiblity.

[This was written in the first week of May when rediff, as part of their mother's day celebrations, invited the readers to tell them "what you learnt from mom". They said they'd publish selected entries on "Get Ahead". Rediff didn't carry this write-up.]